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If you've ever said something to a guy and been totally shut down, you're not alone. Whether it was an innocent question or a simple complaint, women everywhere are saying things that spark a blowout fight or an icy brush-off. The reason? Blame biology.
"Physiologically, men respond differently to the feeling of being threatened. Their blood pressure rises, their heartbeat quickens, and they're more likely to have a fight or flight reaction," says Joy Tabakman, relationship therapist at the Centre for Imago Therapy in Ottawa. The good news is, the gap between how men and women communicate isn't as big as most people like to think, Tabakman says. "Men are really evolving in the way they express themselves. But it's important to remember to take ownership of how you feel about a situation instead of shifting blame. The goal in communication is to elicit compassion and understanding, not defense."
So before you open your mouth and accidentally wage the next Cold War, read up on the five things that guys hate to hear - and how a little re-wording can make a big difference.
"Your friends are idiots."
So your boyfriend's buddies are a bit moronic. If they're not rehashing last week's football game, they're talking about that legendary night at the strip club back in university - again. Try to stop rolling your eyes. "My relationships with my friends have highs and lows, but I don't like having a girlfriend discount the history we have - even when they can be asses," says Greg, a 31-year old in a long-term relationship.
A better way to deal with friends you don't like (or at least not yet) is to try to find some common ground, Tabakman says. Try saying, "I really want to get to know your friends better. Do you think we can figure out a way for that to happen?"
"We never do anything fun anymore."
Yikes - this one is pretty much the equivalent of saying, "You suck at being in this relationship." "This comment drives me nuts because when I suggest things to do, my girlfriend is too tired to go out, or our social calendar is filled with friends or family commitments. It makes me feel like I'm the unimaginative, boring person in the relationship, when really it's more of a joint problem," says Greg.
While the comment may be true, Tabakman suggests taking ownership of how you feel. "By saying, 'We never have fun anymore', you're putting the responsibility on your partner," she says. "Instead, you might try saying something like, 'I miss you. Can we schedule a date night?'"
Another tip: steer clear of words like "never" and "always". Putting things in absolute terms sounds more threatening and is more likely to trigger a bad reaction, Tabakman says.
"If you loved me, you would..."
"Any kind of fishing around for reassurance about our relationship is really annoying to me," says Dale, a 30-year-old single guy in Montreal. Not only does this type of statement sound like an ultimatum, but it practically screams "Pay attention to me!" So why not just ask for a little attention?
"Saying something like, 'I'm really feeling like I need more of your attention' is a good way to state how you feel without shifting responsibility to your partner," Tabakman says. "Always begin these types of conversations by stating how you feel first, followed by a plan to work it out together."
"Your family is pretty dysfunctional, huh?"
This phrase will trigger a strong reaction no matter who you say it to, Tabakman says. "I said this to an ex-boyfriend in the middle of fight because I was trying to tell him that his family's dysfunction was creeping into our relationship," says Kim, 36. "But it only made him hurt and angry, and it certainly didn't help the situation."
It's no wonder this comment backfires. "As human beings, we want to know that our partners are going to be primary in helping us nurture our strongest relationships," Tabakman says. So what's the right way to tell your guy that his family has issues? Go easy, she advises. "Aim to say things in a way that's easy for people to digest, especially if it's something big like this." That means saying something like, "I know your family is important to you, but I feel like they might be affecting our relationship. Can we talk about this?"
"We can't afford that!"
It's true - you can't afford the ridiculously large flat-screen TV your husband just brought home. But don't flip out just yet, Tabakman says. "This kind of reaction is a real buzz kill, especially when you're excited about something," says Mike, a 34-year old who's been married for 6 years. That's not to say you shouldn't voice your opinion - just count to ten first.
"Often times we mask our fears and insecurities in anger," she says. Instead of screaming at your husband for being irresponsible, explain to him why you're so upset. "You might say, 'I'm happy that you're so excited about this TV, but I have some concerns about how we're going to pay the mortgage this month'," she says.
Five things never to say to your boyfriend (5千字)(落叶为风而舞 5-14 10:07 阅读 31)Guy talk (6千字)(落叶为风而舞 5-14 10:09 阅读 15)Six proven ways to get through to your man
By Diane Peters
"We need to talk," you say. He makes a dash for the refrigerator or reaches for the remote control. Yep. Pinning down your guy for a heart-to-heart can be hard work. And having him truly understand and respond to what you say? Some days, it would be easier to split the atom in your basement. Blame outdated social conventions: boys grow up learning that it's not OK to cry or yak about feelings. "There's a very strong unspoken code about what guys are and are not to say," says Karyn Gordon, a Toronto-based relationship coach.
But the good news is, you can help him open up. Good communication isn't about changing your man or learning fancy discussion techniques – if he isn't speaking your language, just try talking his. Here are six proven ways to do it, courtesy of Gordon and four happily partnered women who've managed to crack the guy code.
1. Be concrete
While women's minds tend to float into the abstract, men prefer the concrete. "I want to be loved!" and "I want to be appreciated!" are two phrases Gordon hears women say to their partners all the time, she says – and "Huh?" is the usual reply. "Most guys are very literal," she explains. "Only when women are very clear and break the concept down into a specific behaviour, will they be able to follow it."
Real women testify: Denise, who's been married for 12 years, was tired of not getting any help from her husband around the house. She was constantly asking him to "support" her, but it wasn't until she got specific about the tasks she needed help with – and why – that he shaped up. For example, instead of vague requests to pull his weight, Denise specifically said she needed the garage cleaned out so she could park her car there when she got home from work. The result? He worked on the task for eight hours straight.
2. Keep it simple
Guys have a limited amount of patience for details, so avoid drawn-out tales if you want to keep their attention. And when you want him to feel sorry for you after your boss chews you out at work, tell him clearly you just want a sympathetic ear and reassurance, not 10 suggestions for solving the problem.
Real women testify: Lesley Provost, who's been married for five years, recalls being upset at her partner for having an extended chat with an ex-girlfriend at a party. He had no idea why she was upset, so instead of recounting the events of the evening, Lesley laid it out plainly: "When you talked to your old girlfriend, it made me feel as if she was allowed to push your buttons," she said. She told him it hurt her and she didn't want him to do it again. "Just skip the details and slowly and clearly enunciate the emotional impact of whatever the issue is," Lesley says.
3. End the guessing game
It would be so, so nice if men just knew how we were feeling. But they often don't, for one simple reason: we don't tell them. "Women have this idea that if we tell them exactly what we mean, it loses the romance," says Gordon. Also, men often don't heed body language, so sulking, stomping up the stairs or pouting at the dinner table might go unnoticed. If there's a problem, just say it.
Real women testify: Newlywed Nisreen Furniturewala recalls crying her eyes out and answering "No" to the question "Is anything wrong?". Her husband shrugged and walked away. But she learned something that night. "A man will never understand you; you have to spell it out for him."
4. Slow it down
Most women are quite capable of doing two things at once while thinking about 10 others. Guys tend to focus on one thing at a time, so that's why they so often say "I don't know" when multiple topics get tossed their way out of the blue, says Gordon. Stick to one issue at a time – and give him time to shift gears and think about it before pressing him for answers.
Real women testify: Lesley recalls imagining a new life in a new town when she had just sent in an application for a faraway school. She was chatting a mile a minute about the town, where they might live and what their life would be like, and her husband just couldn't follow along. "I don't think boys think about cause and effect the same way we do," says Lesley. She finds she thinks about preventing problems or predicting what will happen in the future. "He only thinks about how to fix things in the present." While she was already thinking about where they'd move to and what their life would be like, he just wanted to know if her letter of reference had been mailed in.
5. Choose the right time and place
Launching into a huge discussion about your future together at a dinner party or late at night probably won't yield the results you're looking for. Gordon recommends talking about any important subjects over dinner. Many men find direct eye contact unsettling, so she also suggests trying to broach tough subjects while you're in the car together.
Real women testify: Paula Myers Bitter, who's been married for four years, has learned never to try serious conversation on public transit, during dull moments in soccer games or when her husband first comes in the door. She now reserves serious discussion for quiet days or evenings home. With no distractions, their conversations go more smoothly and are much less likely to result in a fight.
6. Hone your discussion
"'How do you feel about that?' is a way too open-ended question," says Gordon. "He'll just say: 'I don't know.'" Instead, ask him if the situation made him feel angry, sad or neglected, and it'll help you both get closer to understanding what went on.
Real women testify: Lesley used to assume if she kept asking her husband how something made him feel, he'd eventually break down and tell her. Then she finally realized he often just didn't know. Now she says: "Did that make you mad?" and runs through a list of emotions until he says "Yes."
You'll be surprised how quickly a guy responds when you speak his language. And if you're really desperate, remember the basics. "It's easier to persuade husbands to agree with you when you're naked or when you might become naked," quips Lesley. "But you already knew that."
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